Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
