Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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