Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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