Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
