I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
