apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was born a porn star she said
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
