It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
