just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
