He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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