Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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