your thong is hanging out like whoa
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
