and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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