you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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