there's paper in my vomit.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Randomize
