there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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