I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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