I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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