saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I want to make a zoo with you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
