I am puke
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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