I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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