Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
