So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
