i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
