Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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