Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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