was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
