So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
