We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
