i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president