just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.