I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit