Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
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So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
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The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet