So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
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i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
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The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well