Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Houston, we have a squirter
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
