Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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