I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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