so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
