So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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