we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
