My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
