textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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