I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
