In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
