Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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