all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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