im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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