I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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