i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
