i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
