You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
