I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
