Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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