Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
