I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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