So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
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No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
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YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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