thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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