i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
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I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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