he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
