I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
